stars death

So Michael Jackson, Ed McMan, and Farrah Fawcett have all died in the last week. They are making a bigger deal out of Michael's death than the other three. The sad thing is, is how huge of a deal they are making out of it. The man probably died from too much drugs in his system. Looking at the media there is pictures of young and old all around the world mourning for him. They are in tears and broken hearted. They didn't even know the man. The man has been accused several times of secually abusing kids. The man had more plastic surgery than I knew there was possible. He left a legacy alright, but not a positive one in my opinion.

I think it's really sad how people fall all over fame. It breaks my heart that we are more concerned about what's on television and what star is divorcing/marrying or having who's baby. There are people all around us that are dieing and going to hell...everyday. I know that Christians know that in the back of their mind, but what are we doing about it. I am sick and tired of the petty things. Get over yourself and remember, IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU! (I am speaking to myself here). There are so many petty little things that we are worrying about in the church (not talking specifics here). It is so sad. We have forgotten our purpose. We are supposwed to go into the world and SHARE THE GOOD NEWS! We are supposed to share the message of Jesus Christ. We are supposed to love one another. Forgive one another. Turn our cheecks when one does us wrong. Yet, we are slandering and hating each other all over little things.

No wonder people aren't getting saved. No wonder people don't like "Christians".

Ok, sorry, had to vent a little. I am just sick and tired of the big deal being made out of people that really haven't left a positive legacy.

I debated on shutting this thing down but then I realized that I don't have to write in this a certain number of times to keep it, so I didn't shut it down. I have been super busy working 6 days a week, doing church, helping Josh in youth, and trying to be a wife. I know it doesn't sound like much, but it is enough to keep me going.
I've been dealing with some things lately, personal things. I'm really struggling with the fact that I feel like I've been used. It really bugs me that when people need me and need my help with things, they are all nice and wanting to hang out and be my friend, however, when they don't need my help or need me, they've become "busy". I know it sounds pity, but it's a little frustrating and after talking to Josh about it, he is a little frustrated with it as well.
I guess it's because we are in ministry. I don't know. We are good for help, but not for hanging out. I'm just venting. And it actually feels nice to get it out.
On a more positive note, we finished that fireproof your marriage class. The positive things is that I think there is a difference in mine and Josh's marriage. It's kind of nice. Not that our marriage was horrible or anything before...
Alright, well back to the movie that I am supposed to be watching...

Time flies...

Well, I guess time has just slipped through my hands. I looked at my last update and just realized that I haven't updated in quite sometime.
Let's see...what's happened since my last post...
I turned 24! Josh bought me an ipod...which I LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!! My parents also came into town the weekend before my birthday, it was good. They took Josh and I shopping for our birthdays. It was a lot of fun. I found quite a few bargains!
So I have decided to set some boundaries in my life. I am usually a "yes man". I let people walk all over me and don't know how to say no. Well, things are changing. No, I am not turning into a snob or whatever, I just need to set some boundaries because I lead a busy life. I am reprioritizing my life. I want to serve God to the best of my abilities and give Him everything I've got...in order to do that, it is going to take some adjusting.
I love having my new ipod. I listen to it most of the time in my car. I have it filled with worship and contemporary christian music. It is so nice just to listen to good music and sit in the presence of the Lord. Lately I've been wanting to do that a lot...just sit in the Lord's presence.
Josh and I are going through this Fireproof your marriage class...no, our marriage is not in trouble, it's just something our church is doing. It is AMAZING! Within a week of being there, I have noticed a change already! I have learned to see a new side of Josh and I have also fallen more in love with him. It's good...
I am working full time right now at the bank. It is only temporary until this other girl comes back from maternity leave. Josh and I are putting the extra money all torwards debt...that way we don't get used to having that extra income.
Well, it is storming outside and Josh thinks that I am going to lose internet connection anytime now...so I am going to end this...good night!

My stubbornness

Goal for this week:

to get it through my stubborn head that I am not going to be able to change anybody but myself.
I know that is true, I can't change the way people feel about me or what they think about me, yet I sit here making myself sick over it...I was so frustrated last night because I have been working SO HARD on changing myself, on becoming a better person. I have been working so hard at putting others first, praying for others more, listening more, being more quiet, etc. Last night, I just felt like something just punched me in the face and said, "give it up...it's not working." I was really upset. There have been several times in this new "change" of mine when I have just wanted to give up and what not, but I didn't, I kept on going. Then last night happened. Part of me became really angry. Then the other part of me just wanted to sit in a corner and cry, but I am also trying to grow thicker skin...
I came home last night and just put on some worship music and laid on the couch. I asked God to take my feelings away. I couldn't and still can't describe exactly how I was feeling. I woke up this morning feeling the same way pretty much. Then I took my shower and in the shower I realized, you know what, I am doing all this for the wrong reason. I am trying to change myself so others will change too. HAHA...(that would be satan laughing in my face). That is never going to happen. I need to change myself for me, and of course for the Lord. I need to become more like Him and less like myself. Ever since I decided I wanted to turn over this new leaf, my end goal was to see a difference in the way others treated me. Totally the wrong reason...I can't change others, I cannot change others hearts, I cannot change the way people think, I can't not do it...I just have to keep telling myself that and maybe it will get through this hard german/italian head of mine.
I have completly felt like a failure lately in my changing process, and this morning I realized why...doing it for the wrong reasons will do that to me.
I know this is probably not making a lot of sense to you...but again...this is what I use to spill out my thoughts in my head and it makes sense to me =).
So...here we go. God help me...

The 2nd attempt:

Alright, here we are for the second entry. This week hasn't been to bad. It has gone by pretty fast for me however. It's been an interesting week. I am learning how to try and not let things bother me so much, what a challenge. I am a very sensitive person...opposite my closest friend and husband. I am trying to let them rub off on me. I think God allowed me to go through some challenges this week to help strengthen this. Let me be the first to say, it was challenging. There were a few times where I felt like some big punches were being thrown at me...not literally.
I am also learning to really try and think before I say anything. I have been told that I am getting a lot better...however, I let one slip this week...insert foot into mouth here.
Other than falling UP the stairs at work today and throwing my back and knee out...over all, this has not been too bad of a week. Youth group went great last night! I was really proud of our worship team. It was their first night playing live and they did great! They are all students and were all a little nervous, but I think they did great and I am just excited that we have students starting to take ownership in this youth group. Josh and I have been wanting that ever since we got here.
My birthday is coming up in 1 1/2 weeks...getting a little excited about it. It's not a special age or anything, I just love birthdays in general. It's not even the gifts, I don't know what it is...
Oh, and my parents are coming to visit next weekend! I am SO STOKED ABOUT IT! My dad hasn't been here since July and my mom hasn't been here since October of 2007. So I am very excited for them to come see us.
I am getting my hair colored Tuesday...I know I will have a few people lecture me for it. But I found out because my hair is not "virgin" hair I can't donate it for locks for love...I am still growing it out, but I just can't donate it. A girl that works at the bank with me is going to "play" with it on Tuesday or Thursday...it should be interesting.
Alright, nothing else new. My goal for this week is to continue to obey what the Bible says: "Be quick to listen and slow to speak..."

the start

Well, I was told tonight that I needed to start writing down my thoughts to keep me from saying things that I don't want to say. I am going to do that, but I also decided I wanted to find a way to tell others my thoughts because I don't always tend to get things out from my mouth.
I might ramble on here, go from one subject to another, write a lot, write a little...who knows.

So these past few weeks I have been praying that God would just change me. I have been praying that He would change me into what I need to be in order to reach out to others. I have a fire that is burning so hard in me I am about ready to jump. I have discovered a new love for God. Lately all I have wanted to do is just sit in His presence. I just put on some worship music and go. It is so refreshing to pretty much escape. I have been saved for over 10 years now and have loved God since, however, there's just something new in me and I thank God for it. It's amazing, I can hardly contain myself.

I have a tendency to really care about what others think of me. I am very very very very insecure of myself and don't have a lot of self esteem. People who know me may realize that, but I honestly don't think anybody realizes how deep it is. I have been a huge people pleaser and what not. It has caused a lot of pain and heart ache in the past. Suddenly I have realized that I am causing this myself. I serve an audience of one. He has created me. He loves ME. I need to stop worrying so much and just focus on HIM. If I truly trust HIM and let HIM guide me...then I'm good. I want so much to just be in HIS presence. I want so much to just follow HIS will. I am really working so hard on all this and I know I might now be making sense...but this is my way of getting out my thoughts.

I wish that there was a way that I could force this fire on others. I know it's not possible, but if people would just see the love that GOD has for them, imagine. I know I am a long way from where I need to be with God, but I also know that I am not going to give up. There have been so many hurles, ESPECIALLY this past year, but looking back, man, HE has been there everystep. He has walked with me through every valley and never left me, there were just so many times I chose not too look at Him and go my own way...that's the stubborn Italian in me.

James 1:2...consider it pure joys my brothers (i like to insert sisters here) whenever you face trials...