My stubbornness

Goal for this week:

to get it through my stubborn head that I am not going to be able to change anybody but myself.
I know that is true, I can't change the way people feel about me or what they think about me, yet I sit here making myself sick over it...I was so frustrated last night because I have been working SO HARD on changing myself, on becoming a better person. I have been working so hard at putting others first, praying for others more, listening more, being more quiet, etc. Last night, I just felt like something just punched me in the face and said, "give it up...it's not working." I was really upset. There have been several times in this new "change" of mine when I have just wanted to give up and what not, but I didn't, I kept on going. Then last night happened. Part of me became really angry. Then the other part of me just wanted to sit in a corner and cry, but I am also trying to grow thicker skin...
I came home last night and just put on some worship music and laid on the couch. I asked God to take my feelings away. I couldn't and still can't describe exactly how I was feeling. I woke up this morning feeling the same way pretty much. Then I took my shower and in the shower I realized, you know what, I am doing all this for the wrong reason. I am trying to change myself so others will change too. HAHA...(that would be satan laughing in my face). That is never going to happen. I need to change myself for me, and of course for the Lord. I need to become more like Him and less like myself. Ever since I decided I wanted to turn over this new leaf, my end goal was to see a difference in the way others treated me. Totally the wrong reason...I can't change others, I cannot change others hearts, I cannot change the way people think, I can't not do it...I just have to keep telling myself that and maybe it will get through this hard german/italian head of mine.
I have completly felt like a failure lately in my changing process, and this morning I realized why...doing it for the wrong reasons will do that to me.
I know this is probably not making a lot of sense to you...but again...this is what I use to spill out my thoughts in my head and it makes sense to me =).
So...here we go. God help me...

The 2nd attempt:

Alright, here we are for the second entry. This week hasn't been to bad. It has gone by pretty fast for me however. It's been an interesting week. I am learning how to try and not let things bother me so much, what a challenge. I am a very sensitive person...opposite my closest friend and husband. I am trying to let them rub off on me. I think God allowed me to go through some challenges this week to help strengthen this. Let me be the first to say, it was challenging. There were a few times where I felt like some big punches were being thrown at me...not literally.
I am also learning to really try and think before I say anything. I have been told that I am getting a lot better...however, I let one slip this week...insert foot into mouth here.
Other than falling UP the stairs at work today and throwing my back and knee out...over all, this has not been too bad of a week. Youth group went great last night! I was really proud of our worship team. It was their first night playing live and they did great! They are all students and were all a little nervous, but I think they did great and I am just excited that we have students starting to take ownership in this youth group. Josh and I have been wanting that ever since we got here.
My birthday is coming up in 1 1/2 weeks...getting a little excited about it. It's not a special age or anything, I just love birthdays in general. It's not even the gifts, I don't know what it is...
Oh, and my parents are coming to visit next weekend! I am SO STOKED ABOUT IT! My dad hasn't been here since July and my mom hasn't been here since October of 2007. So I am very excited for them to come see us.
I am getting my hair colored Tuesday...I know I will have a few people lecture me for it. But I found out because my hair is not "virgin" hair I can't donate it for locks for love...I am still growing it out, but I just can't donate it. A girl that works at the bank with me is going to "play" with it on Tuesday or Thursday...it should be interesting.
Alright, nothing else new. My goal for this week is to continue to obey what the Bible says: "Be quick to listen and slow to speak..."

the start

Well, I was told tonight that I needed to start writing down my thoughts to keep me from saying things that I don't want to say. I am going to do that, but I also decided I wanted to find a way to tell others my thoughts because I don't always tend to get things out from my mouth.
I might ramble on here, go from one subject to another, write a lot, write a little...who knows.

So these past few weeks I have been praying that God would just change me. I have been praying that He would change me into what I need to be in order to reach out to others. I have a fire that is burning so hard in me I am about ready to jump. I have discovered a new love for God. Lately all I have wanted to do is just sit in His presence. I just put on some worship music and go. It is so refreshing to pretty much escape. I have been saved for over 10 years now and have loved God since, however, there's just something new in me and I thank God for it. It's amazing, I can hardly contain myself.

I have a tendency to really care about what others think of me. I am very very very very insecure of myself and don't have a lot of self esteem. People who know me may realize that, but I honestly don't think anybody realizes how deep it is. I have been a huge people pleaser and what not. It has caused a lot of pain and heart ache in the past. Suddenly I have realized that I am causing this myself. I serve an audience of one. He has created me. He loves ME. I need to stop worrying so much and just focus on HIM. If I truly trust HIM and let HIM guide me...then I'm good. I want so much to just be in HIS presence. I want so much to just follow HIS will. I am really working so hard on all this and I know I might now be making sense...but this is my way of getting out my thoughts.

I wish that there was a way that I could force this fire on others. I know it's not possible, but if people would just see the love that GOD has for them, imagine. I know I am a long way from where I need to be with God, but I also know that I am not going to give up. There have been so many hurles, ESPECIALLY this past year, but looking back, man, HE has been there everystep. He has walked with me through every valley and never left me, there were just so many times I chose not too look at Him and go my own way...that's the stubborn Italian in me.

James 1:2...consider it pure joys my brothers (i like to insert sisters here) whenever you face trials...